Climbing the mountain...

Nearly three weeks have passed here in Yamaguchi, and the trip has already had it's share of ups and downs. I've started to make friends and a home here, but I still feel like I'm missing a big chunk of me. Where is that piece? Somewhere I haven't found yet..

The friends that I have made thus far do seem genuine, both, Japanese and international, but nothing quite feels like it did back home. I sometimes wonder if the person that I let them see is the real me, but I've always struggled with that. Who am I and what am I doing here? I've asked myself that a lot recently.

I consistently struggle with the fact that everyone else's lives are continuing to progress without me there. I mean I've accepted this, but I feel different. It's hard to explain. Maybe I'm merely homesick. If that's really the case, I miss family, friends, pizza, and taco bell. Nothing more, nothing less. Is that selfish of me? I've just come to realize that I just don't miss the drama and bullshit. Maybe I'm just growing up and I'm finally realizing it or maybe I just idolize things too much.

I've caught myself becoming frustrated and angry with a lot of events and choices I've made in the past. And I think there in lies the problem, I keep going back to the past, and focusing on it. I put so much emphasis on it that I feel like maybe I'm missing out on the present and future. Frankly, the feeling sucks.

I'm sure this trip would be easier if I had nothing to come back to. And my out come depended on what I did with the time I was alotted. But I do have things to come back to. Regardless, I feel torn between the two worlds and I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like I'm climbing towards something. Except, I looked down and now I'm trapped. Too scared to climb any higher or go back to the start.